I honestly didn’t know her. Other than what I knew and heard from Julie, from other friends and family on social media. That was enough. It was enough because it was real, unfiltered, raw and honest. It was… nice? To have updates from Julie in a group text rather than posting publicly. We were all afraid that we would one day NOT have that person to call, that we would be alone.
My biggest fear is to die alone. Not the actual moment. The time that I starts. The moment we officially start to die.
Isn’t that the moment we are born? That is the fear that I have – every day I live alone is one day closer that I die alone.
Maybe it is when my heart got shattered into million pieces and I thought that suicide might be the right answer to stop the pain. Was I suicidal? No. It just came into my thoughts and was enough to scare me. Because the fear of dying alone is so strongly etched into my soul I refuse to let it happen.
My life in this moment as I write this blog I feel alone. Jordan is sitting in the room with me but I can’t share how I feeling in this moment. I don’t want to be honest for fear of rejection. For fear of not being understood. It is like this with everyone, isn’t it?
Jordan is a good guy. He is brave – lol – he approached me at the gym and asked me out. For men these days, that is a high level of bravery. When he was trying to ‘woo’ me we would go for walks with Jasper and talk and laugh. He would hold my hand and we would kiss. I still love his kisses! I wish he would kiss me more… for no reason. I wish we would walk more. He is busy with his job and his podcast and going to the gym at 5am.
When I freak out he is here. He puts a hand on me and even though I know he is not happy about it. He does it. For me.
Beth was 42. She was 42 and she is dead.
I could be dead. I can’t help but think that about myself as I am only six months away from my forty second. Am I going crazy?! I don’t remember EVER in my entire life actually caring about my age. Is this what it means to be … old? Like other older women in my life am I going to start pondering life. Will I start sentences with “When I was young…”
I worked in a funeral home for a few years. I was around a lot of death. Men, women, married, single, young, old, very young… too young… way too young to be taken. I will share More on this I am sure in another blog.
Death was literally in my life every day. It was a normal thing to talk about. Normal. But still it was not easy. It’s still not easy to talk about death. The single one thing that we all share, that we can not ignore that every human on this plant shares. One day; we will all die.
So why is it so hard to talk about? Why is it we ignore it? Even when it is staring straight in the face every moment of every single day that we are live. Every second we are here is just one more second that we are not.
Death is hardest on the living. I got that quote from Greys Anatomy. If you are going to continue to read my posts I am sure this will not be the last time I use a quote from them. Josh doesn’t think I should watch it if it makes me so sad. But I love how it makes me feel, how it makes me feel ok to feel the way I feel! Does that make sense. It gives me the permission I need to be angry, sad or hearbroken with life. I know that the women who watch it will agree 100%
Meredith Grey says… ”They say death is hardest on the living. It’s tough to actually say goodbye. Sometimes it’s impossible. You never really stop feeling the loss. It’s what makes things so bittersweet. We leave little bits of ourselves behind, little reminders, a lifetime of memories, photos, trinkets, things to remember us by… even when we’re gone.”
Beth will forever live on social media. Her photos, her stories and all the memories she created will live even though she is gone. If you miss her, or think you are about to forget her beautiful smile, just have a look. A short glance. A long look that is filled with tears and memories that make your heart smile yet your soul aches.
She had no idea that she was dying in those photos. She only thought she was living.
I have this sweet guy sitting behind me and he has no ideal how much I love him. If you look on Facebook or Instagram you will see our story. You can see us laughing and smiling and being in love. I even took the time to make a scrapbook; physical book of all of our adventures. The crazy thing, but yet not crazy at all because it is the truth. We are dying in this photo. Can you see it?
You can’t.
You can’t see it because none of us can.
Life is exactly what you make it. Your friend might be dead, your husband is gone and your sister hates you… but who the fuck cares? This could be the moment that you stop living. Or did you actually stop living a while ago?
I am going to make Josh dance with me tonight. Ha ha! When I put my laptop away and take Jasper for a walk I am going to ask him to put on a song and dance with me. That memory will not be on social media or even in our scrapbook. It will be a memory that will bring joy to my heart.
Let me leave you with another beautiful quote (but not from Greys Anatomy this time) from Ed Sheehan “We keep this love in a photograph. We made these memories for ourselves. Where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken and time is forever frozen still.”
