I was supposed to go in for brain surgery today and have this tumour removed. I was wide awake at 3am and it was all I could think about.
I had big intentions of updating my blog but life and the business of the holidays got in the way. It was extra hard to be alone over Christmas this year. Colt and I made crepes and watched a movie but it is just not the same.
I did pre-op and busted my ass to get things ready for surgery. Doing everything possible to get my ducks in a row to be ready for today. Then not even a week before Christmas, they called and post-poned. They don’t want to risk me bleeding out on the table because of the blood thinners. I am totally fine with this!
Ok. I am not totally fine. In fact – today, Sur I completely freaked out and had one the worst anxiety attacks that I have had in months and months.
I told my family doctor that I didn’t need medication but I wonder if I made a mistake? This anxiety makes sense. The last 3 years the panic and the so called ‘anxiety’ hit me for no reason. Or it seemed like no reason.
All the counselling and breathing has helped. I won’t deny that. However, it makes sense to me that I am feeling the way I am feeling and I think drugs will just mask it. I would be worried if I was NOT freaking out.
I am on blood thinners, have a brain tumour and they won’t operate on me to remove it until I have been on blood thinners for 6 months and the clot is gone. I keep having these words pop up into my head and I can’t focus at times. I close my eye, lock myself in a bathroom and use the breath app on my Apple Watch to calm myself.
I am trying to think positive. Looking at myself in the mirror and psyching myself up. It only helps for about 10 minutes before the truth sets in. I have been listing things that I am grateful for… my dog, any friends, my job, my health. My health? That thought sends me into a spiral of other crazy thoughts. I have spent my life trying to be healthy and this is what it gets me? Snap out of it – it could be worse! Other people are more sick than me and I should be thankful they found the lump in time.
I am writing a speech for Toastmasters about this. Life fucking sucks sometimes!! Why can’t I just let it be? Why can’t other people let it be?!
“Don’t cry…” Are you kidding me?! I am sad and lonely and scared. Why wouldn’t I cry?
“Don’t focus on all bad. Thank God they found it early.” I am not focusing on the bad. I am being realistic. I am on blood thinners and I have a brain tumour. They won’t operate on me to get the lump out of my head until I have been on the meds for six months. It just pops into my head about 10x a day for no reason. I am not focusing on anything. The thoughts come and I do my best to push them away.
“It’s ok. You will be fine.” Really. You know this? I feel like this is the obligatory phrase that we say to each other but when you stop and think about it… really? Sure. According to the statistics I will most likely not die from the blood clot or the tumour. But who really knows?! Thank you for trying to make me feel better but this is actually stressing me out more.
“What doesn’t break you makes you stronger.’ Yes. I get it. I really do. But right now, today, I don’t want to be strong. I want to break down and cry and loose control and shake and yell and be weak. I would like to have a day – even just a couple of hours where I am not strong. Why is that so frowned upon? I know I am not alone on this – I can’t be?
Don’t we all feel like shit at some points in our lives? Every single human being on the planet? Aren’t bad days and shitty feelings all just part of being human? Life is just carppy sometimes and that OK, right? Can’t we stop trying to make people feel guilty for feeling bad?
Josh thought I was crazy. He said everyone of his last girlfriends were crazy and I was the worst of the bunch. My anxiety gets me into ‘fight or flight’ mode and I loose control. Does this make me crazy? Does the fact that I am yelling and crying and freaking out make me just another crazy girl?
I have had lots of support on social media from friends and family but I feel that is what they are supposed to do. What do you think? Please, comment below and get involved in the conversation.
Thank you for sharing so openly. I’m sure this journey has been overwhelming. Glad you have tools to help with the anxiety. Don’t be afraid to ask dr for additional drugs to help. That’s what they are there for.
One day at a time.
You are welcome. That is my intention – share open and honestly! I see my family doctor tomorrow and will talk about medication to help my anxiety.
Your friends and family have nothing to offer but heartfelt cliches and best wishes. Some would do anything to make your days easier, but other than words there’s not much we can offer. Have faith in your doctors. Have faith in your body and your healthy lifestyle. I don’t have anxiety disorder so it’s easy for me to say. Sorry. Don’t worry about things you can’t control. Do your best to stay positive. You are loved.
So powerful… and my biggest struggle. Don’t worry about things I can’t control. That is my daily mantra. I repeat it many times in the day and breathe. THANK YOU.
I am so sorry that I missed this kind comment that you left for me! Here I am 6 months into recovery and I am doing good. I don’t think I had the faith in my doctors that I should have – but looking back; I was treated very well. Thank you so much for this wonderful message. It means the world to me that you took the time to wish me well.
You sound like a very strong woman who needs to scream yell and shout and do what ever you need to do to calm yourself down.. You’ve been dealt a tough time. We don’t know each other but I have a very strong hunch that you will come out of this successfully and once again be strong while enjoying each and every day with friends and family. Nameste
THANK YOU. I wish more people understood that sometimes we just scream and shout and let it all out. I think Brittney Spears has a song with that title. I appriciate you taking the time to read and comment on this blog. Sharing has been a healthy way to let things go.