I had to make a hard choice today. I am struggling though as to ‘why’ it was so hard for me. It wasn’t a hard choice the last time.
I went into my doctor for a check in this afternoon and I asked for a refill on my Quetiapine aka Seroque. Sleeping the last few weeks has been hard for me. Trying to fall asleep I am overwhelmed with thoughts about my health and my surgery and I can not seem to calm myself down and relax.
Images of my brain being cut open… feelings of bleeding out on the table and dying. Images of having half my head shaved and being left with a terrible scar. Feelings of waking up after anaesthetic. I HATE THAT FEELING!! The throbbing head, the awful nauseous feeling and sore throat from the breathing tube…
I also asked for a prescription for Escitalopram aka Cipralex. It is a daily medication to help treat depression and anxiety. I had taken it for two years when my anxiety was at its worse. I was feeling good last spring and weened off of it completely just before the summer.
Anxiety is a bitch and I really wish it would go away. I remember a time when I didn’t have this feeling. I remember a life when I was in control of my emotions. That feeling is slowly disappearing. That feeling that I have labeled as ‘normal’ is no longer normal. This feeling of suffocating and loosing control all the time, this seems to be my new normal.
I talk to other people and can not imaging having had anxiety my entire life. It gives me a small glimmer of hope that other anxiety sufferers don’t have. Hope that if I deal with this, if I put in the work, then I can go back to feeling like the old me.
The old me.
I don’t know what time in my life I think that is. Does that make sense? The old me from 20 years ago? Or just the old me from 5 years? Or maybe even the me I was 3 months ago before I started having all these health issues.
Part of me is ashamed that I have made the choice to go back on medication. For the first time in a very long time I feel weak. I put so much work into me and getting better.
I did dozens of hours of counselling. I still see my therapist every second week.
I started doing yoga and mediating every day.
Breathing and focusing on my breath and my belly has become a daily task.
I have been journaling and appreciating the things in my life.
Walking and getting fresh air and sunshine has become a priority over going to the gym.
So what is wrong with me this time? Why can I not seem to get a grip on this feeling?
I really am doing my best. It is frustrating that my body and my head seem to have reactions of their own that I can not control. Their is a HUGE part of me that is hoping that once this meningioma is removed, the anxiety will stop. All I need to do is get through the next few months. One day at a time, right?
