I ran into my ex today at the gym.  He said he googled the symptoms of a meningioma and he said I showed 8 out of 10 of them… “I’m sorry Lacey, if only things had been different…’

WTF? What doest that mean? You are sorry that I am sick?  Are you sorry that you hit me? Or you are sorry that you thought I was crazy and over-reacting and dumped me… and left me to deal with all on my own?

If only things had been different.

I wish I hadn’t had my heart ripped into a million pieces by my second husband.  Cheated on and lied to and had my life destroyed.  I wish I had learned that for every bouquet of flowers he brought home ‘just because’ had a hidden meaning that I was yet to be known.  That for every sweet thing he did for me had meant that he was covering the sweet thing he had done for one of the other women in his life.

If only things had been different.

I wish I would have been stronger. That when my heart was shattered that I had found the strength to put it back together myself instead of opening up to yet another man.

You said all the right things.  Our first night together you asked me to stay, you said wanted me to stay.  You stroked the hair out of my face and kissed my forehead and told me that you were a man who would never hurt me.  You played your guitar, opened doors for me and told me I was beautiful every day.

You told me that all of your ex girlfriends were crazy.  I told you that I was going to be the one who was not.

I remember the day you called me, and told me about an old lady you had seen crossing the street in the rain all alone.   That will never me, you promised me.  It hurt you to think that this woman was struggling with an umbrella and her walker all by herself.  “I will always be here to take care of you,” you said with so much love in your voice.

I am not perfect. In fact, I am far from it.  I was not the best girlfriend, but I tried.  I was hurt that your job, the gym, your friends and your podcast always trumped our time together.  I kept quiet while I walked the dog alone and sat in our bedroom with the door closed while you recorded your precious podcast.  I asked you to give  me a couple of hours of your time in a week.  Thinking that if we scheduled some time together that it would allow make time for things around just US.

I wanted to talk about our relationship and our goals and life plans and you told me, “Stop being weird.”  It hurt me that you would get up at 4am to make it to the gym but wouldn’t consider getting up at 7 on your day off to walk Jasper with me.  I missed you so much.  I missed feeling safe.  I missed hearing all the sweet things you told me when you were trying to woo me.

God! If only things had been different!

I found a lump on my breast late in the spring and I was stressed.  Very stressed.  You got so mad and yelled at me.  “Don’t stress about it until you know what it is!”  I was scared of the possibility.  I knew what you were  saying was true but I cried anyways in the bathroom with the door shut so you wouldn’t see.

Other guys on social media made me feel pretty. I flirted with emojis and you found out.  You called me a slut and slapped me across the face.  You were done.  I was a liar and a cheat.  Of course, the girl you had been messaging on facebook for the last year didn’t count.  I was the only one at fault here.

My anxiety, my weird head fogs, my strange behaviour. I was the craziest one of them all you told me as you packed your things.

I am not crazy.  I was telling the truth when I said , “This isn’t me.” I didn’t know – you didn’t know.  You didn’t believe me.  You saw it on google.  I was showing 8 of the 10 symptoms caused my this lump in my brain.

Yes, Josh, if only things had been different.

Maybe I wouldn’t have this blood clot.  Maybe I wouldn’t have a brain tumour.  Maybe I would be sitting in a house with a husband and a dog and a fireplace enjoying a sunset with a cup of hot coco.

Instead, this is what things are.  I am 41 years old and alone.  I have no one to hold my umbrella while I walk in the rain to the anticoagulation centre day after day.  No body to hold the door open for the last 3 MRI’s I have had.  No one caring about the numerous ultra sounds, blood tests, doctors appointments or specialist visits.  No one who will stroke my hair and kiss my forehead and tell me I am beautiful after I get the staples removed from my scalp.

My mom will come and take me to the hospital for my brain surgery and take care of me while I recover.  Some friends will come and help keep me company as well.

The last few months have truly shown me who I can count on.  The real friends I have in my life and the ones who love me no matter what.  The ones who see the good inside me, even when it is hard to see.

If things had been different where would that leave me now?  I freak out when I am scared.  I get frustrated when I am in pain and I am not a happy person when I am sick.  How do you think I will be reacting after I wake up from a craniotomy?  I promise that I will not be a pleasant person to be around when I am taking morphine for the splitting headaches that I will experience.

I am glad I saw your true colours now, instead of when I was vulnerable. I am glad I know who my real friends are and I am glad I don’t have to go through this alone.  If things had been different, I wish I had not fallen for your lies.  Actions speak louder than words and I am glad to have finally learned that lesson.

If things had in fact been different, I wouldn’t have learned what I need to learn.  If things had been any different; I would just fall for the same type of man again.

Lacey Lee Elliott