Gaslighting. “A form of intimidation or psychological abuse, false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and quite often, their sanity.”

I have struggled with self doubt in my life. I would bet that anyone reading this has too.  When I was a teenager I burned myself when things got bad.  When other kids picked on me, when I failed tests, lost boyfriends, you know normal teenager things.

My parents never fought.  At least I never saw them fight; I have very few memories of them having a disagreement.  I learned later in life that just like all relationships, they had problems I just never really saw them.

My father had tried to kill himself.  I don’t know much more as to exactly why or when but I do remember the four of us going to a family counsellor.  We needed an outside person who specialized in this type of thing.  It was not a bad thing; our family needed help and my parents were not too proud to admit it

Short few years later, my father died of natural causes.  I was a young adult and this was devastating.  Death of a loved one is always hard but this was a MAJOR life event for me that sent ripples across the next 20 years.  To this day, I still say the greatest gift my father gave me was his suicide attempt and later his natural death.

People look at me very strangely when I say this so proudly but it is true.

I learned that therapy is not a bad thing.  We get a hairdresser or accountant in our lives to help us with things we don’t do ourselves.  So why would we think that when we are struggling in our life that getting professional help would be anything but a positive thing to do.

This doesn’t make me crazy.  Asking or help makes me stable and strong and open to growing.  It means I have gorgeous hair (thanks www.prettymepink.ca) and I always pay the least amount of taxes for my business.  I also used a realtor to sell my condo and a professional mortgage broker… I have worked with a life coach and other personal trainers to help me achieve more than I am able to do on my own.  Don’t you think you should use every resource possible if you want the best for your life?

Shameless plug for me here – lol – but I am a fitness/health and life coach.  Contact me privately for more information.  I will be setting up more of this side of my business over the next few months.

When my dad died, I packed up my entire life and Jason(my first husband) and I rented out our condo and spent 13 months travelling.  12 months we backpacked across Austral and took a short stop in Taiwan before coming back to Canada.

Unfortunately we wanted different things in life.  He REALLY wanted to have a family.  I was not even 30 yet and felt I wanted to take a a direction that was not the same as he.  Our relationship ended and to this day we are still very goof friends

My second husband cheated on me.  It is funny, sometimes I wish I never found out because the rest of the relationship was ok.  Obviously, deeper issues were there but part of me wished we could have just continued living the lie and the happiness visible to the outside world.

We went to counselling.  WE put in work and admitted both of our faults openly.  It was a messy break up and led to my second divorce.

This brings me back to gaslighting and what a gaslighter does.

Getting into a relationship I had bad anxiety.  It made me out of control and scared of the strangest things.  Like all of you reading this, other problems in life crept up and I had ups and downs.

A man in my life took advantage of my unstable mental health.  Everything was my fault and he constantly pointed his finger at me.  He suggested I was bi-polar and sent me online quizzes because he ‘was worried about me.’ He told my friends and family I needed help and he couldn’t handle the burden on his own… gaslighting.

He said he would come talk to my doctor because he didn’t believe my anxiety was a ‘real thing’ I was an actress and just putting on a show and causing fake drama to get his attention.  He always had something more important than talking to my doctor.

My therapist suggested that he join us.  This boyfriend was the one who told me I needed help, so I went and got help.  After the third or fourth invite, he said he wouldn’t go because he wasn’t the crazy one. I was.  I was the one with the baggage and all the issues.  Towards the end of the relationship he said he deserved to be with someone who wasn’t crazy – he shouldn’t have to be in a relationship that needed the help of a therapist.  He pointed out that I will loose all my friends because of my mental health issues, that my bad attitude was why no one wanted to be with me.  I was single before him because I was a crazy bitch. He was a gaslighter.

I felt alone.

I felt sad.

I was embarrassed and avoided my friends.

I did not want to admit that I let a man hit me.

I felt crazy.

I started to get dressed in the mornings and feel like a piece of crap because of the socks I wore, the shoes I wore and all the other stupid things that I seemed to be doing over and over.

I begged him to stay.  I could change, I was getting help, I was doing everything he told me I needed to do!  I apologized to his family, I even called my grandmother and told her he left be cause I was a crappy girlfriend. He kept yelling at me to tell people the truth!

Here I sit today going over my journal and my facebook posts and text messages.  “Tell people the truth!”

HIS truth.  HIS perceptions of what was going on.  Not mine. He was a gaslighter.

So here is MY TRUTH.

I KNOW WHO I AM.  I AM NOT CRAZY.  JUST LIKE EVERY PERSON ON THIS PLANET I HAVE BAD DAYS.  I STRUGGLE AND I FEEL LOST, ALONE AND AFRAID.  SOMEDAYS I AM HAPPY AND LIGHT HEARTED AND GIGGLE AND DANCE.  THIS IS LIFE.

I take medication for my anxiety.  I have a blood clot, brain tumour and I am dealing with some shit in my personal life.  THEIR IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS.

I have thought about suicide but have never attempted it.

When I was a teenager I had low self esteem and I burned myself.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  I PROMISE YOU.

I would love to hear your stories and advice to others on how to deal with a gaslighter. I am still dealing with it 🙁  and it has been very hard.  I have reached out to victim services and my therapist and my friends and my family.  You can get help if you need it. Don’t be embarrassed or afraid.

Lacey Lee Elliott