I have been on a few dates with a real nice guy, Kolt.  I hate using the word nice because it seems sort simple. The thesaurus suggested swell, kind, cordial, charming, curious, friendly and I would say he is all of those things.

We have both said we are not dating anyone else and agreed to communicate and be truthful whatever happens.  I don’t know where things are going to go right now. I have been 100% honest with him about what is going on in my personal life. I have discussed the idea of ‘dating’ again with my therapist and friends and opinions are mixed.

Honestly, if one more person who knows me tells me ‘You need more time alone, you need to enjoy being with yourself’ I think I will scream! I do not and have not ever WANTED to be alone.  I HAVE been alone. I have lived on my own for month and years at a time. I have been single for weeks and months and even just under two years. It is NOT WHAT I WANT.

I think this will be a rant for my podcast – lol. Life 365 with Lacey Lee!

The point of this blog is this:

He offered to let me stay at his place today while he is at work. I don’t feel safe or comfortable at my home right now.  It is giving me the WORST anxiety and I do not want to choose to be in a space that makes me feel that way.

He left me his iPad and when I opened I up, it was to his photos.  I saw pics of us, him at work and him with his family.  Then I saw naked pics of another woman! A naked photo of someone he was with long before me.

What now? Based on what has been going on in my life –  I thought this would make for a great conversation.

Maybe I shouldn’t have snooped but it has made me stop and think. The time stamp on the photo was from the summer. Kolt and I were NOT in any type of a relationship during that time.   Finding these photos made me think of my last relationship…

Why was my ex boyfriend, Jim,  going through my photos?  HE was PISSED when he saw them.  He knew I had had a relationship with a man named Brian before him and I had gotten serious.  I was 100% honest about it.  But he LOST HIS SHIT on me when he came across old photos.

Brian and I were nothing more than ‘friends with benefits’ or fuck buddies if you prefer.  He is American and his business was easily managed from anywhere in the world.  We had such great chemistry.  We would go dancing, stay up all night talking and dreaming and laughing with each other but he didn’t want a relationship. He was focused on his business and travel and didn’t want to be tied down.  I had one naked photo that he had sent me over Christmas holidays.  Three months before Jim and I committed to each other.

I have 3,000 photos on my phone at most times, was I supposed to go through and delete things I no longer needed? I didn’t think I needed to.

This brings me back to my original thoughts: what did I do this morning?

I know I should not have been so snoopy.  I don’t know this guy very well and I feel bad that I looked through his private things.  Not a very proud moment but I know a lot of other people would have done the same thing.

What now?

I don’t actually care.

It kind of made me feel weird to see them, but I made the choice to look.

We all have a past.  Being single at 40 years old I also know that people my age have had other relationships before me.  Things didn’t work for what ever reason and I am really ok with that.

I am good friends with my first ex husband Jason.  Really good friends.  We talk and text and even tell each other that we love each other.  I have met his fiancé and she is wonderful!

Who ever is in my life, whatever man I get into a relationship will have to understand and accept these things about me.  I have learned that not everyone will.  However, that is just a sign that I shouldn’t be with someone like that.

With all of the things my ex has been throwing at me, he is trying to justify his actions.  I feel confident in myself and strong in my choices. I am who I am and am not going to change for another person.

Do you think that when you are in a new relationship that you need to delete all contacts, photos and memories of the other people you dated?  With facebook being such a huge part of our culture, do we need to block content and delete memories there as well?

It bothered me that Jim was hurt that I still had those photos and I wish we could have had a conversation about it; even if it was heated.  Insecurity and jealousy don’t make us feel good but they are real and valid emotions.

I have grown and learned from my past relationships.  I am confident in what I want and who I have become.  I know what is important to me and I will not let someone try and control or define me.

I will tell Kolt what I did.  He knows why Jim was upset with me.  I don’t care if he keeps the photos. I feel really good at where him and I are at.  I am his present – not his past. If I want to have a future with him than I have to be ok with who he is today.  I can’t worry about a photo of a naked woman in his pics from last year.

What do you think?

Lacey Lee Elliott