Another phone call last week that caused another bit of an anxiety attack. Thursday,  the neurosurgeon called to let me know that I would be going in for my surgery Friday May 4.

I was moving out of my home, downsizing and renting a room with a friend.  As well as trying to stay calm, while I wait for BRAIN SURGERY.

I know.  I have been waiting for this call since the end of March, I should be happy.  Part of me is.  A large part of me is excited to have this lump out of my head. But an even larger part of me is terrified to go in and have my skull cut open.

Yup.

This meningioma has been growing (according to the neurosurgeon) for at least 5 years.  I know that I have had issues for the last three years.  At least that is how long I am aware that I have been having problems. 

I don’t know how to explain the feeling.  It started as ‘deja vu’ like.  I remember shopping in the lululemon lab downtown Vancouver with my boyfriend and feel so overwhelmed with deja vu I had to go outside.  My heart was pounding and needed fresh air to feel ‘normal again’.

These ‘episodes’ continued very randomly.  I started to take down notes to see if anything specific was causing them.

My period?  The weather?  Specific foods? Time of day?

Nothing seemed to be consistent at all. 

It took 13 months to get in for an MRI.  The neurologist thought I might be having frontal lobe seizures. He gave me a mild medication and we just waited.

Anxiety had started to plague me roughly a year before this.  Now almost three years of it.  I hope to HELL that getting the tumour out will make the out of control anxiety away.  It is such a terrible feeling and I hope that it will go away and after I recover my life will go back to more normal feelings.

The deja vu episode’s got more frequent.  They never really got worse, but the were starting to happen several times per week.

Once, I was filming and having an incredibly hard time remembering what I wanted to say.  The guys kept telling me it was ok.  But I knew something was wrong, my thoughts were just not processing the way they used to.  Driving home from shooting the deja vu hit me so bad I had to pull over and throw up.  I took some deep breaths, drove home and slept for several hours.

I think I might have got off track; that was two years ago.  The MRI was November 11, 2017 (about six months ago) and the point I am trying to make is that it is about damn time that this thing comes out.

2018 has not really been the best year for me.  Fair enough, the end of 2017 was shit and it just seemed to flow into 2018.

I had my pre-op back in late December when the surgery date was January 5, 2018.  I am not sure if they will have me in again,  I hope so.  I don’t remember half of what they told me back then.  Having a reminder will put my mind at ease.

Seven sleeps.  Or seven nights of trying to sleep might be more like it.

I am not dying but FUCK this has changed how I see the world.  Life is short and I am mad at myself that THIS is what is has taken me to make some major changes in my life.  Better late than never, right?

Lacey Lee Elliott