Do you know what I am talking about? The idea that the universe is trying to teach us something. That when big things happen in our lives we need to wake up and pay attention?

I am awake.

I am paying attention!

I FUCKING GET IT and you can stop now.

Sigh… please…

One thing that has stressed me out in my life is when plans change.  It would make my blood boil and my body shake when things didn’t go as I had planned.  This applied to just about any small like:  an accident on the way to work and I was 5 minutes late.  Or even massive things like having a miscarriage. 

I had planned to be at work on time.  My coffee was in my togo cup, my clothing was ironed and I even left 5 minutes earlier than normal; their was no need to be late.

We were happily married, talking about names and plans to buy a bigger home.

Then suddenly without warning – the universe just laughed at me “BWHA HA HA HA! Hee hee hee! HA HA HA! YOU NEED TO LEARN TO LET GO SOMETIMES AND JUST LIVE IN THE MOMENT!  ACCEPT THAT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THINGS AND TRUST THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OK! Hee hee hee hee!”

Great West Life is the insurance company who was supposed to take care of my short term medical leave – I say ‘supposed’ to  because it looks like that is not going to happen.  Last January 2017 I went on ‘stress’ leave.  My anxiety and panick and stress was getting so bad over the Christmas holidays it took so much effort to not yell at people when they were upset I didn’t have the size they needed in black stretchy pants. 

As I stood in lululemon listening to girls whine my mind would drift into the memories of laying on my bathroom floor, bleeding and waiting for the ambulance.  Praying to God not to take my unborn child.  “BWHA HA HA HA HA! I have spoiled you life plan once again!”

Then I would get sucked back into the present moment and watch the same young girl shrug her shoulders in disgust when her mom asked if another color or style would be ok. 

AAAAAAUHG, you little brat!! Is what I REALLY wanted to say, but instead, I faked a smile and said, ‘you just think about it.  We can always try and find what you want at another location?”

When my medical leave was denied we were told my GWL that my employer could have offered me modified duties.  Tasks that didn’t involve talking to our guests.

This year was worse.  A million times worse.

First, in August 2017 I got out of a 1.5 year abusive relationship and was struggling a bit financially to pay my bills and work with my therapist to feel good about myself again.

In an incredibly fluke situation, I was in hospital for a blood clot in my arm.  At only 41 years old I was going every few days to the anti-coagulation clinic to manage my Warfarin and check my INR.  If you don’t know what the hell that is – lol – that is a good thing.  This is something that most people dont’ have to deal unless they are extremely overweight, diabetic and or over the age of 65. I learned alot about blood clots – including the major point one of the doctors told me in ER when I was feeling fine and just wanted them to send me home because I had missed two days of work already,  “Did you know this could kill you?” Um. Nope. I had no idead.

Cue the universe once again giggling quietly in the back ground.

November 11 I FINALLY went in for my MRI, I had been waiting just over 13 months because they thought I had been having seizures (not panick attacks) for the last two and a half years. 

Nope – just a tumour.  A meningioma,  “a tumour that forms on membranes that cover the brain and spinal cord just inside the skull. Specifically, the tumour forms on the three layers of membranes that are called meninges. These tumours are often slow-growing. As many as 90% are benign (not cancerous).”

Good news the ER doctor told me – “We caught it early, it is not very big, most likely had it for about five to six years, most likely not cancerous, could have caused me a lot more problems if they didn’t find it when they did.  Let’s get you in next week and get it removed.” Oh Universe, I am not laughing with you at all. 

Next week came and went and was rescheduled for January 5, 2018.  I was on blood thinners; they didn’t want to risk me bleeding out during the surgery.  January 5 would mean I had been on blood thinner for three months and that should be fine the neurosurgeon said.

Around Christmas I had my pre op appointment and learned all about craniotomies and what I could expect.  Stopped watching Greys Anatomy because the nightmares of my skull being cut into just kept getting worse and worse.

I stayed at lululemon and my leadership team did a fantastic job of scheduling me in the back room.  Asking how I was doing and checking in with me constantly.

I only told one guest to go fuck himself.  I considered that a win for me.  The amount of people I wanted to slap across the face and tell them to shut up and be grateful for what they had instead of whining about $100 pants was at least 100.

I decided to press assault charges against my ex and when I told the RCMP I felt unsafe at my home.  My ex was still very good friends with my neighbours; they suggested that I move. So I did. 

April 3, 2018 I was finally of the nasty blood thinners.  Saw the specialist and she said I was good to go for my tumour removal!! All I had to do was wait for my non-emergent surgey to be scheduled.

So I waited.

And waited I waited for the Universe just a a few more days.

April 25 the numerologist called and my surgery was scheduled for May 4, 2018.

Move out date was April 27.  I didn’t have time to find an new place to live so I am renting a room with a friend.

Trying to get moved and all my finances in order; looks like GWL says I am not an insurable employee because I didn’t work enough hours. I had worked so closely with my team at Lulu since fall of last year to make sure I would have some money coming in when they finally set a date for surgery.

“HA HA HA HA! BWHA HA HA hee hee hee!”

May 3 I received a call that an emergency had come in and they had to bump my non-emergent operation.  This is ok, the nurse said “Your tumour is not causing you any problems right now.  Look on the bright side.”

I have stopped.  I am going to a YIN Yoga class later this morning.  I made no plans yesterday.  I ate some junk food and consumed more alcohol in a day than I had in six months.

Fuck it. What else can I do?

NOTHING. I get it.  I have very little control over the things in my life.

Universe – God – what ever you call it.  I am going to let go and trust.

Trust in what – right now I am not actually not sure how to explain it. But I feel a little bit lighter a bit more free this morning as I type this.

One day at a time.  One moment at a time.

You can stop now.  I am feeling confident that I have learned this lesson and am ready for something else.