As I have struggled over the years with depression and anxiety I hate it when people tell me I just have to choose to be happy.  As if I am choosing to feel like crap.  If you have ever sat in the back of your closest with a box of Kleenex and tears running down your face and feeling the depression sitting in every inch of your body, you know that choosing anything else at that point is futile.  So consumed with pain, hurt and sadness that my stomach is in knots and I throw up.  My skull feeling like it’s going to spilt open and I can’t breath.  It is one of the worst feelings in the world and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

This comment, ‘just choose to be happy’ used to make me angry, frustrated and more upset.  Does the person giving this advice not understand that the feeling I am feeling is all consuming and paralyzing?  How dare they suggest that I can do anything to alter this horrible feeling.  If I could I would.  Wouldn’t you?

It is not always easy. But some days we have to choose happiness.

Counselling, group therapy, medication, CBD oil for anxiety, numerous self help seminars, podcasts and books have helped me to understand what this statement actually means.  Choosing to be happy is a very powerful tool that I am learning to incorporate into my life.  It is something that I have to put effort into on a constant basis. But it works and feeling better is the motivation I need to keep going forward.  

We need to feel all of the feels in our lives.  The good, bad and nasty ones.  In order to move past and let go the first thing as humans that we need is to  acknowledge all of the emotions that we have in any given moment.  Especially the bad ones.  We can not grow if all we do is feel  the happy feelings; those are the easy ones.  The fluffy warm feelings don’t push us – they keep us staying in one place because they are comfortable and feel good.  

I used to think that ‘choosing to be happy’ meant that I could never be sad or upset about things, but that is not the case. The truth is, when  we have felt the sadness and hurt and cried for hours or even days, at some point, we have to make to choice to move forward with our lives and be content again.  Making an effort to redirect the bad feelings.  Get up off the floor and put on our big girl panties. 

Choosing happiness is something I have to intentionally pick just about every day.  I went through a bad lot in life – and being sad and upset is the emotion that comes easiest for me.  The poor me, why me, the world just hates me thoughts come flooding into my head with no effort.  But that is not how I want to feel anymore.  I am tired of the negative emotions making me feel horrible about myself.  No body wants to life like that.  

I want to feel happy – therefore – some days I have to force myself to choose it.  

Like going to the gym and training your strength and flexibility, we need to train your thoughts as well.  Making an effort to think good thoughts despite how you might be feeling is going to take some work.  But the good news?  Somewhere in your life you learned to feel sad.  Over time, days, weeks, even years you have trained your emotions to be negative.  You have allowed that sadness, hurt and anger to be the dominant emotion.  You chose it to be one way – so you can choose to have your thoughts go the other way.   It is not going to be easy, but the theory is simple, you  just have to re-train this part of your thoughts. 

It will not happen over night.  It took a long time for the happy child in you to become this bitter adult.  Eventually, it will take less effort and good, happy thoughts will become your new normal.  These three small actions are the first steps to helping you to choose happiness in your life.

#1 FAKE IT UNTIL YOU FEEL IT. 

Feelings follow actions.  Next time you are feeling upset, force yourself to smile.  It is impossible to be down when you have a smile on your face.   If I’m feeling low, I put extra effort into acting cheerful, and I find myself actually feeling happier.

Let’s face it: Sometimes we are what’s making us miserable. We just can’t stop thinking about how so-and-so wronged us, or how our life didn’t turn out as we hoped. Negative thought processes — like worry, self judgment, fear of rejection  — just keep us miserable and unable to move forward.  This is not an easy thing to do.  But when you find yourself thinking negatively, take a breath, pause and refocus your thoughts.  It takes practice, however, in time, your brain will be able to do this more easily on its own. This strategy is uncannily effective.

#2 LEARN TO BE IN THE MOMENT. 

You might have heard others say, you need to learn to be present.  Depression is usually caused about thoughts about the past.  Anxiety on the other had is from worry about the future.  What is going to happen if… Money, work, friends, etc.  The unknowing outcome of anything in life that could go wrong or not work out.  When we are unhappy, it means that our brains are thinking about the past or stressed about the future.  Being present means you appreciate this moment.  As you read this, be aware of your surroundings.  The lights, the sounds, the smells.  I am in a noisy coffee shop and stressed to the max about my finances right now!  It has made me sick to my stomach this morning.  But I can’t do much about it at this moment.   Currently, I am working to grow my online brand and email list so that I can make more money to travel.  I know that it won’t happen over night but RIGHT NOW in this moment I am doing what I can do to move forward.  If I stop to be present I can smell the delicious bakery items and the freshly brewed coffee.  The baby across the way is making a huge mess and mom is trying to pick up crumbs with little success.  I can feel the sunshine coming in the window on my back and it warms me up.  When I am focused on THIS MOMENT it is impossible to feel stressed about my uncertain future.

#3 – FOCUS ON YOUR STRENGTHS. 

Each of us have natural talents, strengths, and abilities. Unfortunately, we live in a society where we are constantly told to work on our weaknesses.  School, home and then work, the attention is directed to what we need to improve on.  I discovered a life changing book STRENGTH FINDER that suggests that focusing on what we are good at instead of all the things we need to improve on, will help us to feel more successful and happy in all areas of our lives.  Feeling more alive and comfortable in our skin when we put our thoughts into the things that we excel at.  Finding joy in the things we do everyday, the instead of frustration in fighting to understand and fix our areas that need improvement. 

As the field of positive psychology has focused more on looking at what works instead of what doesn’t, increased attention is being paid to the benefits of strengths identification and development. Research on strengths in the workplace.  shows that the use of strengths is connected to greater work satisfaction, engagement, and greater productivity.

Happiness is a choice for all of us.  And some days it will take more of an effort than others to make the choice but it gets easier over time.  I know that I would rather choose to be happy than to sit in a pit of sadness or anger. Put a bit of effort into these three things and you will see a big improvement.

Lacey Lee Elliott