Well… this is a very interesting turn of events. Jordan broke up with me.
He said he couldn’t handle me anymore. My emotions, my emotional rollercoaster. Me being happy one day and sad the next. He can’t take it anymore. It is not fair. I have baggage and issues and it is not fair how I behave and act towards him. He loved me but was not in love with me… That is just a sack of shit.
He is right. It is not fair or right. But its not like I get up in the morning and think “How can I be a bad girlfriend today?”
Part of me wants to beg him to stay. I had an anxiety attack last night and laid on a cold concrete floor in an empty lot by the mall. I called person after person… Jen is dealing with a funeral for her cousin, Mary is in NYC, Sharon is ‘having sexy time’ with her boyfriend (those are her words!) I called Bert – I left a voicemail that he will most likely not get. But I needed to hear that I would be ok. I called the local crisis number and at least felt like someone was listening. But the outcome of that was to go to the hospital or call 911.
I am NOT letting this anxiety control me. I am not going to admit defeat again. I am not going to let another ass hole make me feel like a bad person. No one is perfect, that is just a human trait
I don’t think he loves me – I don’t think he ever loved me. Actually, I don’t think that he knows what love is. He wants it to be fun and easy. Fun. Easy. That was all he ever seemed to want when I asked him.
Relationships take some effort. Putting your energy into the gym, your job and your podcast does not make for a good relationship at all! It is funny – he said all the right things when we first started dating. Made it seem like a partnership was priority to him… I am starting to see that ACTIONS do speak a million times louder than words.
He was tired of my nagging. I wanted one hour a week of planned time together. That is all. But he said I was being weird. That we shouldn’t have to schedule time together… That a good relationship should just work and be fun. We never had fun anymore he said.
All I could hear in my head was that he couldn’t handle me anymore. That my emotional outbursts were too much for him to deal with anymore. He doesn’t WANT a girlfriend who needs medication. He doesn’t want a relationship that NEEDS to see a therapist.
Great. Done. Washing my hands of someone who can’t sit beside me in my darkness. I don’t need someone to pull me out – I just need someone to let me know its all going to be ok.
Sounds like he was a dick – afraid of commitment. Glad you’ve moved on. Doesn’t seem like you were married, but for better or for worse should apply in any relationship, marriage or not. I know this post was some time ago, but I just discovered your blog/webpage etc., after telling a friend about Driving Television (he’d never seen it) and I fell into the internet rabbit hole after Googling your name.
haha – yes, he was a dick. Live and learn and move forward is all we can do. I didn’t realise I had all these old comments either. Covid has pushed me in another direction and doing what I can (like everyone else) to just keep my head afloat. Thank you for the support.