I don’t want to go in by myself. My anxiety has been off the charts all day and I am worried about missing some important information while I am at the appointment. I sat in the parking lot for 20 minutes and just focused on my breath. Another great feature of my Apple Watch. With each breath I take my heart rate gets slower – from 101 when I first park down to 73 when I decide to go in.
I was early into the office and grab a seat in the waiting room while I fill out the papers and wait for Dr. CHan to call me in. It is a small room and I am the only one waiting.
He is unpolished and curt in appearance. I ask if I can record our conversation since I am here alone and don’t want to miss any information. He says no – which I find very strange. He mumbles and says something about getting more information from my family doctor if I need it. I record it anyways. The voice recorder app was already open on my phone and I just press record. At the end of the day I need to feel confident in my choices and this is the best way I know how to make sure that I have all the information.
He asks me a lot of the same questions that I have been answering for the last few months. About my health, my ‘episodes’ and my life in general. He didn’t seem to concerned about my deja vu and head fog, it is mild and not interfering much with my life he said. He asked about my husband and seemed put off when I say that I am single. Will you have someone to help drive you and take care of you post op, he asks? Maybe I am reading too much into it, but my heart aches with the feelings that I am attaching to this question. ‘My mom will be coming out to help.’ I say. It’s the truth and he appears ok with that.
The blood clot is the issue. We will have to wait until I have been on the blood thinners for three months before he will operate. The clot is life threatening but the lump has been growing for long time; years he said. I ask how he knows and he pulls up my head scan.
As much as I was very interested in seeing it, I think looking at that image was a mistake. He pulled it up and zoomed in on the lump. He measured it and showed me how it was still millimetres away from anything that could cause issues. It is 2.8cm in diameter and about a centimetre away from… some big word I didn’t’ know what he said. Now, as I write this I can see the image etched in my mind. I am suddenly very aware that I have a lump bigger than a marble sitting behind my eye and above my ears.
This is very a very common type of tumour and he seems very indifferent about it all. He does hundreds of these surgeries every year, mostly on women to remove meningiomas. Don’t worry, he says. I am not sure if his uncaring attitude is helping or hindering me. He doesn’t seemed worried about it at all so I should either. We need to deal with the clot first. We will book the surgery for early in the new year.
I am lucky we found it when we did. Most people don’t find a tumour like this early because the signs are small and usually attached to ‘anxiety like’ symptoms. Most people don’t get looked at until they have speech or vision issues. He alluded to the fact that some of my symptoms might not even be caused by this lump. Nothing to worry about.
He gave me some paper work about ‘preparing for surgery’ and sent me on my way. Someone will call me with a surgry date soon.
I don’t feel any better; and I don’t feel much worse either.
I have a dozen questions that I didn’t think to ask and they are running through my head right now. I have an appointment with my neurologist tomorrow and my GP on thursday. I take a deep breath and realize I can ask my other questions then.
How am I feeling? I really don’t know.
Scared and worried and freaked out and angry and sad and a million emotions that I don’t seem to even have words for.
This is going to be an interesting week. I know that I have my friends and my mom but it is not the same as having someonw to share this burden with. I still feel lonely. The weight would be so much lighter if I had someone to help hold it. This is different. I know some of you won’t agree. Those of you who live by the mantra ‘you will never be truly happy with yourself until you are happy being alone.’ I know this will be a deep conversation with Jen about me needing to be ok alone. One that we have had numerous times before and just don’t see eye to eye on.
I am a romantic at heart and that is ok.
I want a partner to help take care of me, make things in life easier.
I want to belong to someone. To know that somone else is looking out for me.
I am fine all on my own but I do not want to be. Their is a big difference. What do you think?
Hello Lacey,
I’ve stumbled on your page by accident after having seen a review from Zack and recalled the show Driving Television had a very pretty and knowledgeable host.
I’m 37 male, Italian decent. Huge car enthusiast. I live in Montreal ( don’t hold it against me lol). You can look me up on FB. There’s so much content on you I feel an introduction was necessary.
In any event, I understand what you’re going through. My wife had a brain aneurysm April 2008. 3 months before our wedding. Anyway, everything ended up on a positive note but I understand the anxiety, stress and feelings that come from an illness of this magnitude. To this day I find it difficult to talk about. If you need help, someone to talk to, a perspective how to handle it or how my wife did feel free to drop me a line or two.
I do wish you well, a speedy recovery and all that your heart desires.