I have a brain tumour. I have said it out loud at least a dozen times and it still doesn’t feel real. Me, 40 something, health conscious person has a brain tumour. Christmas is a month away and yet is the 4cm lump in my head is all I can think about. It has been in the back of my thoughts every waking moment since they found it last month. It is most likely the cause of all the health concerns that I have had over the last several years:
Head fog.
Anxiety.
Seizures.
Forgetfulness.
Personality changes.
Tingly arm.
Vision problems.
Racing heart.
Shortness of breath.
Over the years I have gotten very good at faking a smile. Being in the public eye and hosting Driving Television I do what I can to laugh and make light of this situation. It Christmas time and we are not filming so at least I don’t have to worry about that.
The biggest issue is my full time job at lululemon. The Holiday Season is the busiest time of year for retail sales. Standing in the store and faking a smile while dozens of people around me are heart broken we don’t have the colour of pants they want. I feel like it is slowly killing me inside.
Kids bring in long lists filled with all the specific things they need from their parents. So much greed. Grandparents are coming in with overwhelming lists of very specific styles and/or colours they NEED to get for the grand kids. And person after person after person are stressed out and upset that we don’t have the things that they need.
Are you kidding me? “I have a brain tumour and YOU are upset about a pair of stretchy pants?!” This thought floats in my mind while the fake smile and do what I can to hide in the back room as much as possible.
I want to scream and yell and tell most of them to fuck themselves. Gimme gimme, I want, want, want, need, need need… More and more, hundreds of dollars and filled with more greed and selfishness. When did the Christmas season become like this? So much greed and consumerism. I knew over the years it was getting worse and worse but the last week I want to scream and tell them all to shut up. “Sorry we don’t have the pants you need but I have a brain tumour!”
Would any of these strangers actually care? I can’t help but conclude that greed and desire for stuff matters more.
My surgery is scheduled for January 5, 2018. The ‘Holiday Season’ will barely be over and I will be in the hospital recovering from a craniotomy. I can’t sleep and I am having problems eating. I am doing everything I can to avoid social situations, even with my friends.
This Christmas all I want is to spend the holiday season with my family and friends and have it not over shadowed by the large black spot the neurosurgeon found on my MRI. I want to be healthy and go back to the way life was only six months ago
How much can lululemon sell? How happy can we make our guests when they come in to shop at our store? Anyone out there who works retail or front of house customer service knows what I am talking about. Have a bad day? Going into work with a brain tumour? Suck it up, put a smile on your face and just do your job.
I am scared. Feeling overwhelmed and don’t know how to be or what to say. Having to spend most of my days acting like it’s not is tearing me apart inside.
Sharing what I can on social media has helped me not feel so alone, but it hasn’t fixed the problem.
To all my friends, family and co-workers I hope you have a Christmas that is filled with magic, laughter, good food and memories that will fill your heart. I also wish that everyone reading this will stop and take a moment and think about those less fortunate than you. Especially the ones who it might not be so visible that they are suffering.
I don’t want your pity but I know that I am not alone with these feelings. I have a brain tumour and I see the world differently. One thing I know for sure, next Christmas will be very different for me. Every special occasion from this day forward is going to have a different impact on me. Interesting how life can change in a flash.
Plaster the smile to my face and pretend that I am ok. I have a brain tumour and right now I just need to take one day at a time.
