Am I feeling terrified? Anxious? Happy? I really can not put a name to the emotion that I am feeling.
I started having physical ‘episodes’ over two years ago. However, it took about a year before it was bothering me enough to ask my doctor who referred me to a neurologist. He thought it was seizures, so he put me on medication, got me in for an ECG within a few months and I patiently waited 13 months for an MRI.
The ‘emotional’ episodes started shortly after my separation from my husband. I started to hyperventilate after a bad conversation over sushi for lunch. The week after I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest when I was home alone in my kitchen thinking about the future that had changed so drastically.
Stress, panic and “anxiety” my doctor and Counsellor said. It makes sense. My husband had been arrested, I found he had also been cheating on me and the icing on the cake was having a miscarriage.
Stress? FUCK YES. Months of weekly therapy allowed me to almost feel grateful to have lost my baby. This man had cheated on me – and the arrest warrant the RCMP gave me when they came to our home said they had been investigating “manufacturing, selling and importing steroids…” for over five years. Was he a bad man? I don’t think so… he took care of me. He made me laugh, spoiled me with gifts and I felt he really loved me. This sounds absolutely ridiculous as I write this, I almost wish I never found out the truth. We were happy, very happy. I had a great loving husband and had no complaints… but then my truth came crashing down around me.
For those who understand, having a miscarriage is difficult to explain.
We had laid in bed at night with his hand on my belly and shared dreams for our future. Would it be a boy or a girl? What names did we like? Which grandparent would spoil it the most? He kissed my forehead and then my stomach and said “I love you both so much!” Before he left for work every morning since we got the positive news from my doctor.
Then in just a few physically painful hours, it was gone. The small human inside me was dead. The feeling was indescribable.
I do not think my ex husband was a bad man – but is he the man I would have wanted to share custody of my child with? No. Would I want raise my baby with this this man… not at all.
So what I am saying is that I can see why everyone just thought I was suffering from anxiety. It made a lot of sense; it still makes sense.
I can’t dwell. I know that I need to just be present but I can’t help look back over the last five years and wonder. REALLY wonder if I have anxiety or this tumour in my head is the cause of my ‘anxiety like behaviours.’
Only time will tell. Three more sleeps until I find out. My frontal lobe craniotomy to remove the meningioma is scheduled for Friday May 4, 2018. My neurosurgeons office will call me the day before and give me a time for surgery. No food after midnight and only a bit of clear liquids. Just enough to swallow a few pills to help me stay calm.
I have very strong memories of being wheeled into the operation room.
Counting backwards from ten and drifting into a deep sleep…
I still can not tell you how I am feeling.
Thinking about you Lacey ❤️
Thank you. Sending a big hug your way XO
Thank you sharing such an emotional turmoil. You’re
absolutely amazing and an extraordinary woman.
I marvel at your resiliency.
Love the way you’re able to express your feelings
and reaching out to so many people. I would like
wish you a positive experience with your upcoming
surgery. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers
and big hugs.
P.S.
I really enjoy your segments on driving television.
Alan
Thank you. I appreciate it very much. So many people feel alone when they have struggles, yet it is something that happens to all of us at some point. I am just one person that is resilient; I am just very vocal about it. THANK YOU 🙂 I feel lucky to have so many great fans. XO
You’ve come so far from where you were with your ex husband. I’m happy you have resolved so many feelings about your relationship with him. I remember the purple shoes you showed me you bought when you were going to get married, I think that’s the first time we really talked, but I have a terrible memory. I hope this surgery is the end of your anxiety, if it is possible I would love that for you.
I remember that! I don’t know if that was the first time but I do remember that, too! I want to let go of hate – I think you shared something recently about that… and anger they don’t make me feel good. OH THOSE SHOES!!! lol. I hope this will decrease my anxiety symptoms – because if it does – would that mean I even HAD anxiety? Or was it something completely different?? XO
I’m so sorry of the grief that you’ve had to go through in your life I hope you find peace and sanctuary, we all find these roads that go nowhere wondering why me. But in the end it only makes you stronger and have greater respect for the things that mean so much to you.(FIND PEACE FIND LOVE )
I don’t know if I have been questioning “why me” the deeper feeling is not knowing how to feel AFTER. We get somewhat comfortable in our lives and knowing who we are. Things happen that change us. For me, people ask if I am ok, how am I feeling etc. and I don’t know so much anymore. Working on finding JOY in my life again. Not there yet… but every day I get closer. THANK YOU.