I suffer from survivors guilt. Anxiety, anger and horrible nightmares. These emotions used to consume me. And they had a very negative effect on my life. Feeling guilty that I am alive and healthy while people I have met along my journey are suffering or dead. Survivors guilt is defined as a state of mental and emotional stress experienced by someone who has survived an incident in which others died. Why am I still here? What did I do to survive this? My scar is healed, my tumour is gone, I don’t have cancer. Most days I feel pretty good. But why me?
Having a brain tumour changed my life and taught me a few unexpected things. Click here to read what I learned from this experience. 5 Things Brain Surgery Taught Me.
Guilt for the simple fact that we survived. Guilt for what we should have done or possibly guilt over what we did. This feeling makes it almost impossible to enjoy the fact that we are still here.
Survivors guilt plagues many of us, yet it is not easy to talk about. Guilt in general means that we have done wrong, and wrong is seen as bad. Most ‘how to’ sites list admitting what you have done as an important step to getting over guilt. Making if feel as we did in fact do something wrong. But survivors guilt is different.
The truth is that surviving is not your fault. Surviving was something you could have done anything about. And that is where the problem arises.
Examples of less-discussed common circumstances that can trigger survivors guilt include:
- When a child dies before a parent
- Surviving an illness that is fatal for others
- After receiving an organ transplant
- Causing an accident in which others died
- Not being present at the time of an accident to potentially save the person who died.
Don’t let the ‘whys’ bring you down.
As I mentioned earlier, survivors guilt used to consume me every day. But talking to my therapist has made the feelings easier to understand. The more I have learned to understand these feelings, the less painfull they are. I think that this feeling will always be burried in the back of my mind. Because no matter how much work we do, we will never know why. And on that note, my first tip:
- Don’t let the ‘whys’ bring you down. Just like young kids constantly ask ‘why’. Over and over and never happy with the answers they get. When events like this happen, even adults will fixate on trying to understand. If we knew why, then would be able to make sense of the tragedy. But even if we make sense of what happened – it won’t change the past. That is the real problem. Maybe, if something was different, we could have stopped them from dying. Difficult as it is, be grateful for your survival. Connect with friends or family to be reminded of all the love in your life. These are great reasons ‘why’. Look at ways you will create something from this chance you were given. Do something meaningful for someone else. Volunteer with an organization that is close to your heart. Make a donation to a charity. You are here. You are alive and there is nothing you can do about it. If you don’t know the reason, you have the opportunity to make one.
- Allow yourself to feel sad over the loss. The incredible heartache brought on by my experience was hard to deal with. For a lot of people, focusing on the guilt is a subconscious way to avoid the sadness. I have suffered from depression in the past. It is the worst feeling in the world for me to cope with. Sadness makes me feel weak; guilt seems more powerful. Society tells us not to cry, don’t be sad. A guilty feeling is more acceptable than sadness. It wasn’t until my therpast pointed it out did I realize that I had not taken the time to feel sad about my struggles. I was so afraid of that feeling. Guilt was less painful for me. Scream, cry, eat a tub of ice-cream or hit a punching bag. Do what ever it is that you need to deal with the real emotions you are feeling. Don’t dwell on the sadness either. Take the time to feel it then let it go. For some, this might be a few hours, for others, a few days or even a week. Don’t rush it. And don’t replace one with another, you will never be able to heal.
- Self care. Though this phenomenon has become very trendy the last few years, it is crucial part of dealing with this guilt. Make the time to take care of yourself. Whatever you experienced to cause the survivors guilt has probably had its own separate negative effect on you. Pile on the added feeling of guilt and it is no wonder that life feels pretty crappy! Taking care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally will be the only way to heal. Get some exercise, fresh air or take a bath. Be selfish and make time for yourself. There is a reason we put on our own oxygen masks in the event of a decompression on a plane. If we fall apart first, then everything else around you just crumbles. It will be in these moments of selfishness that you will really be able to heal. Find yourself a therapist, buy some self help books or watch inspirational videos on Yoube. You are here, you are alive
If you found this blog because you have a meningioma or know someone who does, check out this incredible group MENINGIOMA MOMMAS AND PAPPAS
So many things happen that are out of our control. No amount of worry will change the past. I had a brain tumour. For whatever reason I lived to share my story – and maybe this in itself is the reason.
You’ve heard that laughter is the best medicine I presume? Well I’ve found it helpful to make certain that I get a healthy dose every day. As a matter of fact, the worse things get, the more I laugh now, ‘cuz the alternative is what?
Laughter releases those addictive endorphins, and in the face of crap that might overwhelm a mere mortal, it is a fantastic act of defiance, a giant finger in the face of whatever god or deity is having a piss with you that particular day. Saw your blackwater bath scene, and I must admit, the schadenfreude was kickin’. Sorry, but I literally laughed out loud for probably about as long as you were crying. Not ‘cuz I’m a horrible person, but because I have experienced much much worse, in much more serious conditions. Compared to being told that you have cancer, it ought to help put every lesser thing into perspective for ya.
I was a Survival Training Instructor in the USAF, and we used to have a couple of sayings that we used to keep us motivated when we really just wanted to quit. One was to approach long tough struggles as being “like water dripping on a rock”, ‘cuz eventually the water drip will win and bore a hole right through that rock, and the other was, “at least they can’t eat me”, which I think pretty much speaks for itself.
The fact is, you’re alive, by whatever random means allowed it, so laugh at the crap, it washes off, and get on with embracing the journey.
FWIW, I am a survivor too; perfectly healthy and happy one day, permanently disabled and steadily losing my memory/self-identity a minute later. Eventually discovered a path to wellness, but it’s been slow and never sure. Like the T-shirt says, “Shit Happens”. So we either lay down on the side of the trail and wait for the bear to eat us, or maybe today we decide we’re gonna eat the bear.
O/T, but me thinks ya got the wrong RV. Watching you get all upset about freezing brought to mind that there are a lot of things you need to learn and address to better prepare for less of those kinda situations. Won’t get into all of that now, but don’t wait, replace your tires asap, or you’ll be having another cry!